Gym of the Living Dead

The WOD will be posted tonight, this is just a brief story (brief as in short, not as in underwear).

This past week, I’ve had the distinct (dis)pleasure of WODing in one-each Globo Gym. Through the dirty looks, rolling eyes, sneers, snickers and gasps of ghastly gloom (that was for you Sam), I somehow managed to get most of the WODs done as Rx’d. Bench press stations became box jump, Smith Machines and flat benches became GHD, iron weights survived a few “minor” drops.

Let me lay the stage for you. The 5am crowd at Globo gym was moderate in density, but void of any life; it was a gym full of zombies. The fluorescent gym lights flickered like a scene from an eerie subway station. With glazed and hollow eyes, the patrons went from station to station, awkwardly cramming themselves into ghastly contraptions such as the “left minor buttock blaster,” each of which cost more than our entire gym. Devoid of any verve or vigor, they slowly execute their 3 sets of 12. They yawn, not between sets, but during sets. They sweat with a heart rate of 190 bpm, not from excursion but from the 8 scoops of Megametablasterultramegaephedradorphine they had with their Super Health Shake just before “working out.” They know their heart rate because they’re wearing their heart-rate monitor and GPS watch to tell them how far they haven’t gone on their stationary bike or treadmill at 1.2 mph. They put in their 30 minutes (because there’s a line people, you can’t go over 30 minutes….PEOPLE ARE WAITING TO WALK OR JOG SLOWLY ON THAT MACHINE IN FRONT OF THE TV…COME ON…THERE’S A LINE!!! STOP HOGGING THE MACHINE!!!). After the prerequisite 30 minutes in the “fat burning zone” that just doesn’t seem to be burning the fat, they hop off the machine and head for the locker room. They walk out 15 minutes later awakened not by their workout or the prospect of their day, but by the cold shower they just took. They’ve “worked out” for the day. They got their day started, but they are yet to realize that their time in that hellhole does not help them LIVE! No matter what they are outside that gym, in that gym, they are simply one of the mainstream Lemmings following the popular in-vogue non-empirically-based methods suggested by the Surgeon General. “Oh, wait, 2 years ago I had to walk 30 minutes a day, 3 days a week to live longer and healthier, but now it’s 28 minutes 4 days a week.”

CrossFit Athletes,

THANK YOURSELF, and THANK YOU FOR LIVING STRONG. You’ve taken your life into your own hands. You are a salmon swimming up the MainStream that is “big-business” fitness. You dodge the Bears that are neysayers trying to put you back downstream and keep you from reaching your goals of vitality, independent living and EVERYTHING YOU WROTE ON THAT WALL IN THE BOX!!!!!


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